The Art of Sledging

Here are some general tips to Team India to help themselves until they find a specialist sledging coach ( these lads need to be taught everything really ).Team India , the below is for your action and its a stop gap arrangement.

(1)Check the net. Out there,some all time great sledges in international cricket are documented. Take some tips and stop acting like old women.Here is a link for starters.
http://forums.techarena.in/showthread.php?t=416788

(2) Please don't sledge in Hindi/Bhojpuri/Maithli and other Indian langs. Its really not gonna help in Australia . Always remember why you do things.

(3)Have some common sense. Don't show your finger in the direction of the pavilion. Its a straight breach of code and even pets know it. Stop inviting trouble. Give trouble. Thats the theme in case you guys still didn't get it.

(4) Stop calling up your mom in India in case you didn't understand what Symonds said on field. Its an ADVANTAGE if you don't understand what they say. Trust me ,even native Britishers don't understand Aussie accent and laf at it .Don't dig into your OWN complexes and inadequacies if you don't get something .For your information, even educated people out here in India who regularly interact with Australian Clients cant figure out their accent sometimes . You DO NOT have to understand everything they say on field and react ! Its NOT your primary objective!You are sportsmen, not linguists. Concentrate on Cricket !!

(5) Aussies speak the truth while sledging. ( Remember they have mastered the art and they know how to hit where it hurts) . Copy the trick . Paste wherever applicable.

(6)No more Maa ki's and Monkeys please ! Grow up ! Be sophisticated at sledging . You can do better than these kindergarden gaalis.Do some research.Aussies hate being called convicts. Coz they were a nation of convicts deported from Britain if you know your Ps and Qs. Be well informed while sledging. Remember point 5.

(7)Have a PLAN! Praveen Kumar would be placed with immediate effect in the slip, gully or silly point position.His orders would be simple. He will be chanting 'convict' 'convict' or 'butcher turned cricketer' 'butcher turned cricketer' whenever the batsman is facing the bowler . If they react and give him Aussie slang, he would anyway not understand a word of whats being told to him. Moreover, if the umpires or match referee is notified, well Dhoni would shoot back " How can Praveen Kumar who doesn't know English sledge Aussies, more over where's the proof ? " Case closed !! And thats the RULE.

(8)During over change ( that is the ad break ), one fielder would be engaging the leg umpire by showing him the beautiful pigeons on the ground and the bowling change would be engaging the other empire by giving him his cap, shades, hankie, wallet etc. While both the umpires are thus engaged, each player will personally interact with Aussie Batsmen to give an earful of filthy shit. Case closed. they cant complain. They don't have proof .If Australian's try the same tactic , they need to do all this and also learn Hindi. thats unlikely. But hell would surely break loose on them.Trust me none of this is an offense as per ICC code book.

(7) Play your strengths. You guys earn a million Aussie dollars or more every season because India is a cricket rich country. So call up THAT average Aussie on field if there is useless banter and tell him you'll buy the stadium and convert it into a museum if he doesn't shut up. Money talks.He would be momentarily stunned, spit your chewing gum and keep jogging. Tell him you are planning to order Kangaroo curry for your pet's dinner and ask him to SHUT THE FUCK UP !!

Post match scenario :

In case Aussies whine over a loss ,here's wot Indian think tank has to say:
We live in a wonderful world and India and Australia are a part of it, and outside the field we got more enchanting things to do than fight or prolong on-field battles, which were fought in the first place to enjoy success , life and all the beautiful things that accompany it. We played cricket in the FULL SPIRIT OF THE GAME .